have a good birthday, kate

Kate,

Have a very wonderful birthday, okay? With all my heart, I hope you find the joy you've spoken about. You are indeed something wonderful and deserve to be blessed by a full life of happiness. I've reread your emails and it just can't seem possible that all this has happened in a week. My heart is faint with distress now because I know, I absolutely know, how sad you must be right now. I cannot take past mistakes back. If only I could, but it's a quest that's not realistic.

I wish I could put all the thoughts I've had down here and I wish that you would be reading them and I wish that you would feel those same things you had felt for me and say—that you do know John and now you understand John and the John you know and understand deserves to be given a second chance, because I do, Kate, I do deserve to show that I am more than my fears. You are right. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy. But then all I need to do is change the prophecy, right?

I was seeing a therapist back in spring. I had been seeing him for a long time, but it seemed like we never achieved anything constructive. Certainly, we had interesting conversations. He even said he looked forward to our sessions. Well, Monday I called him up. I said I would like to continue with him. He was pleased. The reason I called him is because I was afraid of injuring this possibility of a relationship with you. I needed to find my way. Other people can walk this way with seeming ease, but I knew I needed guidance. I am still going to see him. Yes, I suppose now more than ever.

Kate, I don't want you to give up on me. We can look on this as a good thing, not as a bad thing. Now you know more about me. You understand me. I am more than just pretty words on a page. Don't think I wanted to hurt you. I could never want that. Please read this. Please read those words. It is so important to me that you do. It is the most important. I don't think it is possible for you to meet someone else like me. I know I am the most unique in all this that I do. I feel the deepest. I feel the most sincere. And I would like to talk to you about all these things that hide inside of me. I would not want to hold anything back. You are still my answer, Kate. You are still the one I've been looking for. I don't want you to be sad anymore. I don't want you to look for joy and not find it. I am here for you, Kate. I am here. Always.

Love,
John