re: hello

Kate,

I am blushing head to toe, now the floor's turning red. I thank you so much for being so open to me and assuring me of my reciprocation. There is nothing about me that I have the least inclination to flee from—except my abysmal shyness. However, just to guarantee there has been no mistake, I urge you to borrow somebody's glasses and look again at my picture—gulp! painful as it is for me. You do realize there are billions of men who would like to be talking right now with you.

You want to read about me? Well, first, right now my heart is going very fast, faster than even my fingertips. Other things—that can be skipped over hurriedly to get to the more important things, and before you know it, 'Sincerely, John,' lol—I am writing a novel (amongst many) that is the one I would like to be remembered most for. It is called Human Spaces. It is about the divisions human beings put around themselves and block any real human contact. This is something I know a great deal about. I am 37 and have never kissed a woman nor been involved in a relationship nor even dated. I can tell you, Kate, as I remember it, the first time it occurred to me I had a real problem. Her name was Tania and I was 17 and her and I and another fellow, a mutual friend, went that night to her house. Tania was my best friend in high school; she stood up for me as no one else ever had. I remember that she asked Karl (mutual friend) if I could sit in the middle when she drove us home. So she dropped me off after Karl and her and I sat and talked outside my mom's house. Naturally, I don't know what we talked about, but it was personal and meaningful. Before I left her, she wanted me to give her a hug. I realized as I hugged her that it was something that made me uncomfortable. It was something about the intimacy. Don't misunderstand, I would have liked to have held her as though it was the most important thing to me. I would have liked to have experienced that moment rather than to have just acted. I often wish I could return to that moment and do what I should have done and held her as I should have held her, because in a real sense that moment has guided my life and left me stranded from intimacy. We must all have those moments that seem to be crossroads.

I might have really said too much.

I hope this is ok.

John